So it’s been about 48 hours since I sent you that text telling you to fuck off. You’re doing what you always do and driving me absolutely crazy. Intentionally or not. Your absence in my life drives me crazy. Your presence drives me crazy. I miss you more than I can bear. Whether your talking to me or not, I just want to be with you.
You make it do goddam hard all the time. I’d swear you were just determined for us both to me bloody miserable forever. You always work against me. Always
I get back in touch - you don’t want to talk.

I try move on- you ask me to try again.

I admit I still love you and try again- you don’t want to know me.

I ask if we can wait for eachother til your finished exams- that’s really gay you say.

You keep saying you don’t know what you want. Which I don’t get at all? If you loved me like you say you do then what is the point in holding on to my mistakes? Why would you put up every kind of defense you can to keep us apart?

You say there’s nobody else but you put up those pictures, you block me on twitter, and when I ask you why you get mad at me? That’s really unfair, and really suspicious. Your just making drama there. I’m not as angry a person as I used to be. You’ve every right to see somebody else, of course I’d be hurt. But I’d get over that. If you chose me over them I wouldn’t react like I did before with the shouting and not letting things go.
It’s in my nature to feel insecure. I have reasons, that you know. All I need is for you to make me feel secure. To feel like no matter how friendly you you get with someone else that I’m still the only one you think about when you go to sleep.
You could easily stop so much drama all the time.
We’ve both been having hard lives since we met but instead of being there for eachother to pull us through. We pushed eachother out.

I can’t figure out why you decide to do so many things. Why would you tell me to not wait for you. Sit in silence, wait for me to hang up and then send me a happy lively message the next day as if nothing had happened. And the reply to me again, your so frustrating!

Every night I lie in bed thinking about you, every day I wake up and miss you again. All day one thing after another reminds me of you, or somebody looks just like you until I look at them again.

I always say I wouldn’t change a thing about you. And I still wouldn’t. The things I don’t like about your personality are what make you the person you are. but they still drive me crazy sometimes.

But I wish you weren’t so flirty with everybody. I mean I know you don’t set out to flirt with people but from my view it’s always a bit too smily and forward. It makes me feel like when we first started texting, before your junior cert that I was exactly the same to you as everyone else you talk to right now. Why wouldn’t that evolve into more like ours did?

I wish you’d be less indecisive. One night last week you fell asleep on the phone to me and then you didn’t reply to me or call me for ages. It’s not that I’m pissed off you didn’t call. I’m annoyed cause you made me feel like I’d done something else and id pushed you away again.

I just want you to love me. And what I mean by that is I want you to make me feel loved by you. It’s not hard. You don’t need to give me anything, or write me big long paragraphs, or even talk to me every day. What makes the difference is the way you treat me when you do interact with me. A few more x’s then you’d send your friends. Tell me you miss me too. Or that you love me. Call me browneyes or something, at least babe or darling….Or that you’d like a magic hug or a cuddle on the phone. Instead of telling me you have better things to be doing all the time like oh I’m gonna dry my hair and watch it crowd. Buhbye.

I guess I’m flogging a dead horse. The girl Im in love with disappeared, I don’t even know if she’s still in there. I hope she is. I miss her. the girl that used to say things like “I’m only dowking” and “like your dog dying”. I love her. I’m probly the reason shes not around anymore. I’d die to bring her back.
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Wondering how it is exactly to “be yourself” when I can never stop trying to define “myself”.

Who am I?

Does one simply choose what they want to be? Select their attributes from a menu? I want to be intelligent. I want to be funny. I want to have great hair and never worry about anything. But im not that. Who am I?